Monday, August 18, 2008

The Persecution Complex

To all those people who lament the impression that colleges and universities are biased against them?

To all those people who lament the impression that human rights groups are biased against them?

To all those people who lament the impression that foreign countries are biased against them?

To all those people who lament the impression that the media is biased against them?

Have you ever considered the possibility that all or some of these people might actually be right and you're the one who's wrong?

1. If educated people are often liberal, is it simpler to assume a broad-sweeping brainwashing conspiracy, or to assume that upon exposure to other views and the facts behind them people don't seem to remain conservative? If liberals claimed that universities had a conservative bias, you know that conservatives would be claiming that it's not their fault educated people lean right. Why do you let them get away with the anti-intellectual bullshit when you would never allow it from liberals?

2. If human rights groups tend to be liberal, is this a sign that they're all secretly members of the anti-conservative conspiracy bent on eradicating an entire school of thought from the face of the earth? Or is it simpler to assume that the liberal philosophy places a higher emphasis on the well-being of individuals, from which it follows naturally they'd care more about human rights?

3. Maybe the fact that everyone thinks you're acting like an imperialist dick means that imperialism makes you a dick. Calling you a dick and treating you like you're a dick when you're being a dick isn't biased. It's called "self-preservation."

4. Media coverage of the election doesn't have a liberal bias... it has a bias in favor of McCain. Conservatives loved the guy doing this study when it said the opposite, but now that they're the bad guys, suddenly the methodology must be wrong. See, you gotta be skeptical about the media if you're a conservative. A good unbiased source will agree with you. Never trust a source that doesn't agree with you. It's just that damned liberal conspiracy acting up again, but thankfully they're easy to detect. They say crazy things like "pissing off other countries makes them hate us," and "voodoo economics doesn't work" or "abstinence-only sex ed doesn't work." They're always pushing this ideological bias, so it makes them easy to detect and ignore.

All in all, I'm getting tired of the "I hate your evidence! You elitist liberals are always pickin' on us simple salt o'the earth conservatives. Just because I don't have any credentials in the field we're talking about doesn't mean that my opinion isn't just as valid as yours!"

Well, I'm an elitist bastard and let me tell you something. If I hear one more time about how educated people can't be trusted (because too much exposure to the diversity and complexity of reality brainwashes you liberal, see), or about how educated people are out of touch with reality (at least compared to people who've only ever exposed themselves to their own way of life), or some other bullshit excuse to cover the bitterness and resentment of uneducated people that educated people always abandon their cause... I'm going to have some kind of episode.

I don't know how to say it more simply than this. If education is a danger to your worldview, that is hard proof that your worldview needs examining. If entertaining other worldviews turns out to be a danger to your own, your worldview is a hell of a lot more fragile than you want to admit. If studying other cultures is some kind of threat to your own, your own culture isn't worth your slavish loyalty. If exposure to people who believe they can make the world better somehow erodes your reinforced sense of self-serving exploitative entitlement and privilege, perhaps that's a clue that you need to abandon that sense of entitlement.

There are too many people who resent educated people for learning a few new things and suddenly changing their minds. I didn't think I was a liberal. Sure, I thought that gays were human beings and so were women. Sure I thought that it'd sure be nice if college weren't a way to transform wealth into privilege so that the super-rich could claim they'd earned what they've got. Sure I'd love to have the first, last, and final say over when I carry a child. But I didn't think that made me liberal. I thought liberals were these frothing man-hating Communists out to create a man-free, gun-free Marxist paradise off the cost of California on a human-made island of singed bras.

I didn't realize what would happen to me. I didn't realize that once I left my town of 8,000 people I might really have a chance to learn how other cultures lived and what made them that way. I didn't realize that this would cause me to take a good hard look at my own culture. I didn't realize this was all part of the grand liberal mafia brainwashing conspiracy.

In short, reality turned out to have a liberal bias. Once exposed, I fell.

For all you conservatives out there... it could happen to you. I suggest you do what the Amish do. Drop out after eighth grade. Wouldn't want to start getting ideas and putting on airs. Wouldn't want to change your mind. Wouldn't want to become liberal or anything.

Drop out. Delete every news channel from your cable but Fox News. In fact, delete every channel but the televangelists. Burn every nonfiction book you own. Save yourselves before it's too late! Above all remember!

The liberals are sly. The liberals are stealthy. The liberals will find you.

YOU MAY ALREADY BE ONE.

9 comments:

Dana Hunter said...

Darling. Before we go to California to get married, you are submitting this for COTEB, right?

If you don't, I'll be spending my entire weekend weeping. Get it over to elitistbastardscarnival at gmail dot com, like, now.

Love it!

Cobalt said...

I was planning to, yes. But for you my lady, I will do it this instant.

John Pieret said...

I think you have the best statement of what elitist bastardry is since that fellow in the very first Carival ... maybe better.

arensb said...

The second-best line here is
"I hate your evidence!"
and the best is
If education is a danger to your worldview, that is hard proof that your worldview needs examining.

As for
us simple salt o'the earth conservatives
anyone who's seen Blazing Saddles knows what that means: morons.

Efrique said...

fantastic.

There's some great stuff there.

george.w said...

THANK YOU! (weeps with relief) Such a long-overdue expansion on Stephen Colbert's theory of reality's bias.

thoughtcounts Z said...

This is great. I second what george.w said -- I think the reason the "reality has a well-known liberal bias" line was such a zinger was that it was a completely true line disguised as a joke.

liberal_bs_detected said...

"If educated people are often liberal"

Educated people are seldom liberal. Hipster morons with liberal arts degrees often are...

"If human rights groups tend to be liberal"

This is only true if you start with a liberals point of view on which organizations should be called human rights groups in the first place. The liberals favored 'human rights' groups are ones that focus on playing identity politics and engendering a victim mentality in their activists as well as the people they're supposed to be 'helping'. These policies do little to actually help anyone but the liberal 'human rights' group itself. Yeah, I'll agree with you in your assertion that these kinds of 'human rights' groups are overwhelmingly liberal.

"Maybe the fact that everyone thinks you're acting like an imperialist dick"

If "everyone" really means just you and your hipster buddies, and if "imperialist dick" means someone who isn't willing to swallow line after line of your self-righteous, persecution complex driven whining, then you are absolutely right.

"Media coverage of the election doesn't have a liberal bias... it has a bias in favor of McCain."

Anyone who thinks this has swallowed too much Obamabot kool-aid.

You really do live in an alternate reality, don't you? It must be pretty interesting to go through each day convinced that your emotions are the ultimate arbiter of fact and thinking of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart as a legitimate news source. Keep up the good work, bud. So long as there is a contingent of Americans who'd rather be trendy than right, you'll continue to have an audience to shovel these DailyKos reposts at.

arensb said...

Dude, your bad vibes are messing up the feng shui. Have a latte and a couple of tokes, and mellow out.